Durdel Dor Jump

Saturday 24th March 0600
Horrendous noises from aft and main cabin during the night. Dean, who was sleeping with Paul in the aft cabin accused Paul of sucking out all of the air making him drink Red Bull all night because he was dehydrated.
Fried fat for breakfast. Weather beautiful. Paul had forgotten his towel so had to use his shirt after showering.
Motored to fuel berth, £80 to fill up!
Good sailing across the bay wind picking up to a force 4. Headed for Lulworth Cove.  
Dean and Mike in the main cabin making up for last night.

Passed Durdel Dor where Paul told us that the macho thing to do was to climb to the top of the arch and jump in!

Lulworth Cove

Durdel Dor

Anchored in Lulworth Cove. Mike prepares butter and salt sandwiches. Nigel reckons that Mike even puts salt on his heart tablets and he puts so much salt on his canteen chips that it looks like an advert for a dandruff shampoo.

Paul dressed for Durdel Dor jump

1300 Head back to Portland where we are going to moor for the night. Paul threatens to do the Durdel Dor jump.
Persuaded Paul not to jump so he and Dean went fishing for our supper.

Non fisherman

Fishing Guru "Where's the mullet"

Mike looks at knickers

Moored up in new marina, built for the Olympics, next to a beautiful North Sea cutter yawl. Mike was more interested when the skippers wife climbed out of the Yawls cockpit flashing her knickers at him.

 Despite this the skipper told us to go to The Cove Pub, right on the beach.

We washed and dressed for supper and had aperitifs.
Portland needs a lot of work if its going to be ready for the Olympics. Very run down, however the pub was good but crowded. Ordered a Haddock Chowder, which was crap.

Cold walk back to boat. Cheese and biscuits made up for the meal washed down with a 3 year whiskey blend, donated by Mike.

Clocks go forward so have to be up extra early to get to the Waymuff bridge by 0800.

Sunday 25th March 0500.

All awake and cast off in the dark. Made a complete ass of navigating out of Portland Harbour. However moored on visitors pontoon early enough for us to go to a greasy spoon for professionally cooked grease. Nigel stayed on board with his porridge.
Self note (Noticed SARADON moored in harbour was on this boat 30 years ago where I first heard a Jethro tape.)
Cleaned boat and headed home, Nigel going the wrong way to miss traffic which didn't exist.

Great weekend.

Green Cabinet For Sale Very Cheap

Friday 23rd March. (My 49th Wedding Anniversary!)

Shopped at Tesco s before picking up Dean. Large quantity of artery clogging material but forgot the Kilo of salt for Poppa Bear.
Picked up Dean and met his wife, nice lady, very inspirational.

Where the Red Bull kept?

Weather great, roads clear. Dean educated me about Carp fishing and how difficult they were to catch. Stopped off at Morrison's for booze (Cider and Lager).

"Drifter" looks in great nick. This is her last weekend in Waymuff as she is being moved to Brixham next weekend.

What is this for

One handed

Stored victuals then Mike, Nigel and Paul arrive. Paul is a Shawn replacement, if that is possible!

Took an instant liking to Paul as he was dressed for sailing. Brown brogues, RR shirt and corduroy trousers.
Mike demonstrated his knowledge of sailing gleaned from being Nigel and my crew for the last 20 years. Saying: The pointed end is the front, the blunt end is the back and the metal thing with string is the mast. All he needed to know was our home address so he knew where to send our bodies to, if we drowned.

My prostrate is bigger than yours!

New sailing shoes

Beer, wine and lager was opened together with sausage rolls and nuts. The conversation was varied, discussing murderers sparked by the vicars murder at Thornbury, to who had died that I might know. Bloody cheered me up no end!

Mike showed us his Ray Ban (They were actually marked Lay Blan China) sunglasses that he found in a toilet and Dean told us about his 11 year old son that had a harem. Paul added to the conversation telling us that his chili tree was not very good at producing chillies. Paul then treated us to a Spanish quote that he had diligently rehearsed prior to going to Magaluff last year with the boys. It appears that the English translation is "My cock is like a spring onion" this went down very well with the Senoritas. Dean interjected by saying that when on the said trip he was taken to hospital with heart palpitations. He was asked what he had drunk in the last 24 hours, when he replied "Only 30 Red Bulls! On seeing the horrified reaction from the doctor he mitigated this by adding "They were diluted by Vodka!" He was asked to leave.

Paul and static

The conversation then moved to Paul's dress sense and in particular to a Matalan suit he purchase for forty quid. It could be crammed into a very small space but generated a very high charge of static electricity. So much so that he could kill at 40 yards, just by pointing his finger.

There was a brief referral to a video that Paul had hidden and was then discovered. This was refuted by P as he said that his photographs of past conquest were secreted in a ex RR green cabinet which was safely stored in the garage. However this was moved when the west wing of the house was being built. Unfortunately prying eyes found the said pics and retribution followed swiftly.......

He also told us about a colleague that scrapes his bald head with a pen knife, then pars his nails before picking his ears with it and then eating the produce! I stopped eating the nuts at this point. He was also going to have a sack, back and crack job to please his wife....

We then had a jolly game of boasting about the size of our prostates or prostrates as Dean likes to call them. Without physically checking them with the finger, there was no clear winner. I stopped eating the sausage rolls.

1900 We then changed to go out, Paul looking particularly natty in his cricket sweater, desert boots and pirates bandanna.

Paul

First stop was The Royal Wamuff Yacht Club. Here we adopted a rolling gait and talked about the last time we rounded the Horn. I don't think the assembled membership were taken in.
Food beckoned and a Chinese was found, Paul had curry and chips, very nice but a bit expensive. The younger elements of the team decided that a night club would round off the evening. I pleaded nervous exhaustion and returned to the boat.

1200 Boys back from club where they were almost refused admission because they did not have any skateboards. Paul upset the barmaid by standing in the wrong place?

Noisy party on next boat, Mike went over to complain and never came back. Went to bed.

The Ginger One goes AWOL

There has been a change of crew, Shawn has gone AWOL, no excuse that I know of. But the skipper has Shanghaied another. He is Paul Hares, I have no salacious gossip, other than his fashion sense is suspect.

Deano and myself are in charge of provisioning the boat, to that end I am picking him up at 1000 on Friday the 23rd and we will be scouring Tesco s for all high cholesterol foods.
Tuesday 20th The skipper rang me from his death bed, he has been poorly. He went out the night before and must have drunk a dodgy pint!

Him, Paul and Poppa Bear hope to leave 1100 Friday, that's if they can tear Mike away from his desk.

Change of passage plan

Monday 13th March 2012

Skipper in a tizwaz! He went to Waymuff last weekend with the intention of taking his beloved for a romantic cruise around the bay. But shock, horror! they have started working on the bridge earlier than was expected and lock out and in is restricted to 0800 and 1800 only.

This has severely curtailed the passage plan for when the famous five take to the briny. An alternative plan, put forward by the skipper, was to lock out 0800 Saturday and spend the night in the flesh pots of Portland, locking in at 0800 Sunday.

Portland visitors welcoming committee.

T.G.O. exploding head and cholesterol

Post the meeting there was a flurry of e mails. Which seemed to revolve around, what time we can get away, who takes who and The Ginger Ones pillows. T.G.O. demands for a single room with sea views on the boat, was over ruled by the captain and he was told that he would be berthing with Deano in the after cabin which is situated under the engine. The Captain and Poppa Bear will bunk in the saloon, handy for the toilet, and myself will lie in state in the fore cabin.

T.G.O. pillows are vital for his well being as he can only attain oblivion if his head is held at a predetermined angle to his reclining body.

Shawns problem

Exploding head syndrome is another parasomnia that causes the person to hear a loud noise just before falling asleep. Though it sounds like something you’d see in a movie, the disorder is real and often occurs while waking up in the middle of the night. Many times the sound reflects the sound of a bomb exploding or a loud banging noise.

Shawn , Deano and myself will be leaving before captain and Poppa Bear, who can only get away at lunch time, JSF is cancelled being the reason. I hope they tell the Yanks, or are we just doing an Italy and tell them after we have done it!

We have been charged with victualling the vessel, maximum cholesterol required,

Cholesterol non flow chart.

So a Tesco stop is likely, I think I will lock Shawn in the car, just in case!

Planning meeting at The Three Brooks 1st Feb 2012

The first and I suspect the only Planning Meeting took place at The Three Brooks Pub Bradley Stoke. The venue was chosen because you can get a curry and a pint cheaply before 1800. The reason for the planning meeting was to go sailing in The Lizard's posh yacht.
Present were: Deano, Nige, Mike and Rudi.

Shawn (Known as The Ginger One) was either bringing the Ansty factory to its knees or robbing Tescos.
Needless to say there was little planning.

Planning meeting in full swing.

Deano opened the meeting by telling a story when, in his yooth, he and his gang decided to drive to Weymuff... Unfortunately or fortunately I missed this tale as Rudi was describing his double hernia! Is this a form of one-upmanship? not just one boring old hernia but two!!. I felt quite deprived, I haven't had one!

Rudi explained that at the bottom of your stomach you have an exit hole through which your plumbing passes. Rudi was lifting his motor cycle and two hernias dropped through the hole. The resulting discomfort got particularly troublesome when he was in the States, and as there was an offer on at the local hospital of "Two for one", he grabbed it. So to speak...



















Poppa Bear raised the issue of celebrating his significant birthday. he would like to relive a trip to Benidorm. The highlight of this trip was when Shawn brought a whale to the shared bedroom and demonstrated his harpooning techniques all night as Deano cowered under the adjacent duvet pretending to be asleep.

The Whale?

Deano was charged with masterminding the trip. Poppa Bear invited me to come along. Hmmmm, tempting! Particularly when there is a chance of meeting these beauties. I toyed briefly with idea, however common sense eventually kicked in. Continuous drinking until dawn, I don't think so, the only thing I can now do all night now is piss and say encouraging words to my prostate!

Benidorm beauties!